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Thursday, June 23, 2005

Some "Modest Proposals" for President Bush

In the spirit of Johnathan Swift, Johnathan Morris has some "Advice for the President":

George Bush needs help. Fast. And I’m going to give it to him.

I am thoroughly convinced that if things keep going the way they’ve been going, the end is near for this president. All signs are pointing directly towards impeachment. His poll numbers are sinking faster than a ship off the coast of the Isle of Lies. Every aspect of his war on terror is falling apart. Republicans are now joining Democrats in calling for troops to come home from Iraq. Left and Right are uniting in their criticisms of Gitmo. And just last week, House Republicans helped vote down a part of the Patriot Act.

... let’s start with Gitmo. ... Nuke Gitmo. That’s right. Just nuke it. Detainees included. This way, you won’t have to worry about releasing the prisoners, and your opponents won’t have to worry that you’re denying the prisoners their rights. After all, they’ll be dead if you nuke them. And dead people don’t have any rights.
Next, let’s talk about the Patriot Act. The provision the House curtailed last week was the one allowing the FBI to seize library records. Opponents of this particular police power say it’s a clear violation of civil liberties. Proponents, however, say that to rescind it is to make libraries a “safe haven” for terrorist research activity.

Once again, let’s look at the true heart and soul of the problem. Let’s get creative. Did you ever think maybe the real issue here isn’t terrorists, or civil liberties, but the simple act of reading? Think about it. We put such a premium on reading in this country. Reading is fundamental, we say. But why? The only thing reading is good for is making people smarter. And as any smart person will tell you, the fewer smart people, the better—less competition.

So there’s your solution. Repeal the No Child Left Behind Act. Get rid of RIF. And above all else, Mr. President, stop teaching kids how to read. Who needs the Patriot Act? In five to ten years, terrorists will be the only ones even entering libraries. At that point you could simply arrest ‘em, ship ‘em to Gitmo, and nuke ‘em to a 451 degree crisp.
Finally, Iraq. ... critics are saying we should end the war. People are dying for no good reason. Things are a mess. It’s not worth the costs. But the White House worked very hard to make this war happen. They’re committed to it. They say we should stay till we finish our objectives.

So what’s the solution? Easy: Outline our objectives. Plain and simple. Let people know what the hell troops are dying for.

Read the full article.